Movies of the Month: January 2013

2012 was a very good year for film. As we start 2013, there is plenty of reason to believe the trend of great movies will continue. January is normally a quiet month at the cinema, but this year offers a few intriguing films in the genres of horror, drama, and action. And, one of the best films of 2012 will finally get a wide release, so we’ll all have the chance to catch it. Geronimo.

Week of January 4, 2013

Texas Chainsaw 3D

The Plot: A young woman and several of her friends visit her newly inherited house in Texas. Then they are attacked by a chainsaw-wielding maniac. Fun times for everyone.

Who’s in it? Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, eh who cares. They are just meat popsicles for Leatherface 2.0.

Ultimate Fate: I guess this is the more family-friendly version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. Why else would they drop the Massacre from the title? Actually, I’m happy that they are bringing 3D to the TCM films. If any genre can use 3D to accentuate the action, it’s horror. Isn’t it more fun when you think you are the one about to be dismembered?

Promised Land

The Plot: Two employees for a natural gas company travel the country buying up land rights from the locals. When one of them is confronted by the realities of fracking (fracking, I said), he faces a major mid-life crisis.

Who’s in it? Matt Damon, Frances McDormand, John Krasinski

Ultimate Fate: Damon and Krasinski wrote the screenplay together with the intention of the film becoming Damon’s directorial debut. When Damon’s schedule got too busy, they recruited Gus Van Sant to take the helm for them. So, yeah. There’s a lot of talent in front of and behind the camera for this one. Damon co-wrote a pretty good drama once before (Academy Award-winning Good Will Hunting for those keeping score), so here’s hoping he’s done it again with this enviro-friendly tale.

Where I’ll be this weekend: It’s a pretty thin weekend for new releases since it’s the start of the new year and all. I’ll be cheering on the Man of Many Faces as he terrorizes a new crop of juicy victims.

Week of January 11, 2013

Zero Dark Thirty

The Plot: Have you heard of this guy Osama bin Laden? A lot of people were looking for him. This is the story of the Seal Team 6 raid on his compound in Pakistan.

Who’s in it? Jessica Chastain, Joel Edgerton

Ultimate Fate: This is a good one, folks. It had a limited run in theaters in December to qualify for awards season, and practically every critic who has seen it is calling it one of the best of the year. Kathryn Bigelow, who directed the excellent film The Hurt Locker, is back behind the lens directing a tale of two wars - the political war in Washington, DC and the ground war in Iraq - combining to find and kill Osama bin Laden. This could be one of the best tales of modern warfare of our generation. See it immediately. 

Gangster Squad

The Plot: East coast mafias want to set up shop in Los Angeles in the 1950s, but a group of LAPDs finest and bravest cops go rogue to wage war against the bad guys.

Who’s in it? Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Josh Brolin, Nick Nolte

Ultimate Fate: There’s definitely a lot of star power in this one, but trailers make it seem… adequate, I guess. I’m getting a Lawless vibe from this one. If you remember, that was a film that had a lot of big-name actors in it but lacked a powerful story. Here’s hoping there’s more to Gangster Squad than a steady parade of famous people.

Quartet

The Plot: A retirement home for retired opera singers has a bit of a shakeup when a diva shows up.

Who’s in it? Maggie Smith, Michael Gambon, Billy Connolly

Ultimate Fate: It’s a cute, old-people comedy/drama. What can be more entertaining than a bunch of rich, old, British, entitled, snide, former opera stars all living in the same retirement center quipping about one another? It’s trying to tap into the same audience that made The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel a huge hit last year. Relatively harmless fun for your parents or grandparents. Plus, it’s directed by Dustin Hoffman who seems like a really swell cat and worthy of our support.

Where I’ll be this weekend: Zero Dark Thirty finally gets a wide release, so you better believe I’ll be there. I might catch Gangster Squad at some point, but I’ll have low expectations and crossed fingers.

Week of January 18, 2013

The Last Stand

The Plot: Bad guys make a run for the border. Arnold stops them.

Who’s in it? The Governator himself, Ahhnuld Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, Johnny Knoxville, really only Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ultimate Fate: Gunfights! Explosions! Arnold shooting a machinegun out the back of a school bus! This will be Arnold’s first starring role following his turn as Governor of The World California. It will be interesting to see if he can jump right back into the action star saddle again after so many years away. I’m guessing it’ll take him some time to knock the rust off and to work the kinks out of his ageing muscles, so I’m glad his first outing is a silly affair like this. Shoot some stuff, spout one-liners, have fun!

Mama

The Plot: A couple takes in two young orphans who somehow survived for five years in the forest all alone. Too bad they weren’t completely alone.

Who’s in it? Jessica Chastain looking very unlike Jessica Chastain, some other people

Ultimate Fate: January is often a solid month for horror; this is the second major horror release of the month. There is some genuinely creepy stuff going on in the trailers for this film. Whereas Texas Chainsaw (Massacre) 3D was a splatter fest, this one aims for more subtle but no less effective scares.

Broken City

The Plot: A cop doing a little private investigating job for the mayor of New York City uncovers a much grander conspiracy than he ever imagined.

Who’s in it? Mark Wahlberg, Russel Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones

Ultimate Fate: This looks like a slick little crime film with an interesting setup and a great cast. Poor Mark Wahlberg can’t help but find himself in trouble, even when he tries to get on the mayor’s good side. I’m hoping for some good vibes from this one, but the buzz for Broken City has been non-existent.

Where I’ll be this weekend: Did somebody say Arnold? I’m very excited for The Last Stand. I don’t think it will be good necessarily, but I’m very happy Arnold is back doing action movies again. And, Mama for some scary time.

Week of January 25, 2013

Parker

The Plot: Some bank robbers try to kill Jason Statham after a job. They shouldn’t have done that; it only makes Statham mad.

Who’s in it? Jason Statham in revenge mode, Michael Chiklis and Nick Nolte acting scared, and Jennifer Lopez standing around as eye candy.

Ultimate Fate: It seems that every year, Statham starts us off with a silly action film (last year it was Safe). This time around, Statham is avenging himself against a vicious and dumb gang of thieves. I assume they are dumb, because they shoot him and leave him for dead after he helps them out. Tsk, tsk, bad guys. Go get ‘em, Jason! Expect fistfights, shootouts, and one-liners. Bring your popcorn; leave your brain at home.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

The Plot: Let’s see if I can describe this film without vomiting into my Cheerios. Hansel and Gretel are bounty hunters who track down and kill witches all over the world. While tracking a coven, they uncover a dark secret blah, blah, blah. Never mind. Whatever.

Who’s in it? Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton

Ultimate Fate: This film was seemingly inspired by The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and Red Riding Hood, though for the life of me I can’t figure out why. Why would those films inspire anyone? There are far better films to provide inspiration than those. What we will have in Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a confusing, dull story with predictable twists and turns you’ll see coming from miles away. Hansel and Gretel will wear leather to modernize their look in Ye Olde Tymes. They will have guns. Renner will probably say quippy things while wishing he was on the set of The Avengers 2 already.

John Dies at the End

The Plot: A new drug sends people into alternate dimensions, and when they come back to our reality, they aren’t quite human anymore. A couple of college dropouts try to stop the drug’s influence.

Who’s in it? Paul Giamatti, Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes

Ultimate Fate: Prepare to have your mind melted. In case you didn’t gather from the plot description, this is a zany film. Don Coscarelli, who directed the insane Phantasm films, leads us on a crazy trip into other dimensions and back again. If you like warped movies then here’s one for you.

Where I’ll be this weekend: I’ll be watching Jason Statham making some fools suffer in Parker. I don’t think my stomach can take Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters nor my brain handle John Dies at the End.

Movie of the Month: There is really only one choice that makes sense here. I tried to find a place to watch Zero Dark Thirty in its limited release in December but had no luck. I get the impression that, had I caught it in time, it would have made my Top 10 of 2012 list. I’ll instead catch it when it goes wide on January 11.

Think you might catch any or all of these in theaters? You certainly should check out Zero Dark Thirty. Let me know in the comments or on Twitter when you see it!